She...Feels?

The dark screen through which I see
doesn't reveal beauty, doesn't show the real me.
It clouds my vision and distorts my mind.
It drags me down; you bring me down in time,
yes, you Ana, you take away my shine,
fill me with air, with your words,
make me forget the compliments I may have heard.
But you wrap me up in your strong arms
when I'm cold and I shiver, to protect me from harm.
You speak softly in my ear;
this time you're telling me what I want to hear...
"Be strong, my child, and you will go far.
Be strong, my child, forget each scar.
For you're nearly thin; nearly enough,
today you recieve praise where I could be tough.
You listen well, no food do you eat.
Some girls can't obey, but you are a feat.
I think I may love you, pretty young girl,
I think I may care for you, because I am your world.
And as you lay lightly in the palm of my hand,
your breath hard, skin pale, from my demands,
I can't help but feel you drifting away,
and I wonder if you'll live for more than a day.
But don't misunderstand, it wasn't meant to be this way.
I didn't want you in the hospital for such a long stay.
And oh, how you're drifting now...there's nothing I can do.
I'm losing my star, my favorite, it will be frustrating without you.
Oh and now you're gone, lifeless, dead in my sight......
You were lazy, boring and you didn't bother to put up a fight!
You're so imperfect, so idiotic, everything you do is wrong!"
And Ana cries, yes, Ana cries, as another pupil dies...

I'm equally as bored and possibly more depressed than jenna, so I decided to fill out this stupid survey like she did.

Spell your first name backwards]: nerual
[The story behind your user name]: I'm an atrocious_enigma...haha, yes, I'm so funny.
[How old?]: 15
[Where do you live?]: Shartlesville, PA

DESCRIBE YOUR:
[Wallet]: I don't have one, because I don't have anything to put in it, i.e. money.
[Hairbrush]: I use a comb because my hair is insanely curly and frizzy.
[Cologne/Perfume]: Vanilla is good.
[CD in stereo right now]: The stereo in my bedroom has Marilyn Manson "Smells Like Children", my walkman has The Used, and my computer has a bunch of downloaded songs, which I'm currently listening to. 
[Piercing]: One in each ear and a labret.
[What you are wearing now]: bondage pants, vans, a black shirt and a Good Charlotte hoody.
[Hair]: Black, red and brown roots.
[In my head]: Mush.
[Wishing]: Too many things to name.
[After this]: I'll probably go take a shower and cry for a few hours.
[Talking to]: Amber O. and my "sister", Ashley.
[Eating]: A pear [negative 75 cals]. Only so I don't pass out/black out before I'm forced to eat.
[The last thing you ate?]: Does diet green tea count? Because otherwise I can't remember that far back.
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Birds are pretty scary...And I really am afraid of deep, dark water.
[Do you like candles]: Yes.
[Do you like incense]: Who doesn't? Of course now it reminds me of how good Eli always smelled...But hey, whatever.
[Do you believe in love]: I have my doubts about it.
[Do you believe in soul mates]: I have even more doubts about it.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: No, I believe in LUST at first sight.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: I usually tend to make people believe that I forgive them, when really I don't. It goes along with that stupid sex problem I have. [HATE that.]
[What are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: Canada, France, Austraila.
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: Myself and why I do the mystifying things I do.
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: Everybody from Exeter....Especially one person, but I won't name names and make myself cry.

In the last 24 hours, have you:
01. Cried: Yes, about 20 minutes ago on the bus ride home from school.
02. Bought something: Diet green tea at lunch [10 cals]
03. Gotten sick: Yes, of course. I put something in my stomach, therefore my body made me paid for it.
04. Sang: No. I'm not nearly joyful enough to sing, nor did I have choir today.

Social Life:
01. Best girl friend(s): Kristen, I guess.
02. Boy/Girlfriend?: No...Try again next week.
03. If no, current dating partner: I don't date. In fact, I don't really do much of anything.
04. Hobbies: Thinking of ways to kill myself and others. I live in a world of day dreams.
05. Pager/Cell: I do have a cell phone but I don't use it for anything but a phone book type thing. Not that I'd actually call anyone, but just in case.
06. Are you center of attention or the wallflower: Wallflower. I prefer to go unnoticed, and that's a good thing because usually they don't see me at all.
07. What type automobile do you drive: Depends who lets me drive illegally.
08. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: Niether. I'd prefer to be alone...so alone, in fact, that I wouldn't even have to be in contact with myself.
09. Where is the best hangout: The inside of my closet, so I can stare at all my pictures and cry.
10. Do you have a job: No, because my mom's boyfriend says I'll never get a job with my labret piercing and he's probably right. Not to mention I'm too depressed and lazy to go apply anywhere.
11. Do you attend church: No fucking way.
12. Do you like being around people: Absolutely....NOT.

Who:
01. Have you known the longest: I don't think I've ever really known anyone.
02. Do you argue the most with: My dad.
03. Get along with? My mom?
04. Is the trust worthiest: ::shrugs:: I don't really tell anyone anything that I would need to trust them.
05. Makes you laugh the most: Kristen or Dane.
06. Has been there through all the hard times: ::thinks hard:: ....No one.
07. Has the coolest parents: I have no clue.
08. Has the coolest siblings: Megan.
09. Is the most blunt: Me, probably.
10. Is the smartest: Uhhh...Kristen, probably.

Personal:
01. Who is your role model: Calista Flockhart and Marilyn Manson.
02. What are some of your pet peeves: People and all the things they do, like breathing and smiling.
03. liked someone you had no chance with: Yes. But I don't have a chance, period.
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: Yes, of course.
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: No, I'm a slut, remember?
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): We'll say yes, just because I don't really have a best friend.
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: Yes.
08. Rather be dumper or dumped: I don't really care.
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": I've been having trouble distinguishing between the two, really. If you're just going to break up anyway, why not just make it a "hook up"? Oh, the questions and doubts could go on forever.
10. Want someone you don't have right now: Yes....::cries::....
11. Ever liked your best guy friend: Let me get back to you on this one when I'm not such a whore and when I've gotten used to this strange custom at Hamburg Highschool called "I'm a guy but really, I just want to be your friend. I have no intentions of getting into your pants, whether you resist or allow me to. I just think you're a cool person."
12. Do you want to get married: Not really. The statistic for divorce just keeps going up, and it's higher for people who've had divorce in their family. There isn't enough time in the day to list everyone in my family who's gotten divorced.
13. Do you want kids: Fuck no. Little maggots. Hellspawn as Will calls them...He's lost his mind if he thinks he's going to change my mind about marriage or having kids.
14. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: If I do get married, I know who it'll be. I know exactly who.
15. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: I hate myself on the outside, but if I have to answer I'd say...my ribs...or my hip bones.
16. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: I hate myself on the inside, too.
17. Are you happy with you: Absolutely, positively not. I think I may just go kill myself right now.
18. Are you happy with your life: See above.
19. If you could change somethin in ur life rite now, what would it be: That medically, I'm still alive. To me, it feels like I'm dead and rotting.
20. What are your life goals? I have none....except to be beautiful...or at least thin, until I finally kill myself.

Ah yes, I should have anticipated this. The first-ever-mother-weigh-in. Here's what happened:

Mom: ::walks in my bedroom, up to me and puts her hands on my ribs:: "You're wasting away. You need to eat more; how much do you weigh?"
Me: ::makes an attempt at sucking in my ribs so they don't protrude outward so much:: "I eat plenty. I don't know how much I weigh."
Mom: "Well let's go see." ::walks to the bathroom::
Me: ::follows her, wishing I was anywhere but drifting down the hallway toward the bathroom and the scale::
Mom: ::places the white scale in front of my feet::
Me: ::steps on the scale hard, with my toes just about over the front of the contraption, allowing all my weight to be on my heels, therefore making the scale think I weigh a few more pounds than I really do [careful, I'm a tricky one, lol!]. Closes eyes, praying for triple digits just for this one moment::
Mom: "100. That's good."
Me: ::finally opens my eyes and sees the numbers that haven't been on that scale for months:: "Yea, I must have lost weight since I'm not pigging out at the resturant anymore." ::laughs a little, hoping it doesn't sound as fake as it is::
Mom:: ::laughs for real and go back downstairs::

Christ, that was nerve racking to say the least. So let's see...The evil scale decided to be on my side for once and told my mother I weigh 100 pounds. But, I'm curious as to what it really is. If we take away the 4-5 pounds I was able to fake, the 3 pounds of night weight, my clothes and my "dinner", I probably weigh nearly 10 pounds less. Which would match my BMI that I have at the top of the site. Ah, the wonders of trickery and mathmatics. But still, I ate way too much today. I was probably still under 800 cals, but...I don't know...It just doesn't seem good enough.

This one's called Dream.

I'm floating...in deep peace
this calm happiness will never cease
nor will the tides of this ocean world
with closed eyes I see a sullen girl
but once opened they reveal beauty
a perfect angel without duty
I may look down, past where I lay
to the constant blue of an ocean that will stay
I may look up, beyond where the eye can see
to the palace where entities are free
but I am in niether place
I am a beauty without a face
I dwell niether here nor there
And finally I have the will to care
though now, in this middle earth
There's no reason for unhappiness and tears
for there is no stance for fears
terrible things are nonexistent, dead
And I am alive, living outside my head
such wonder I feel tears of joy
they take up the space of an evil ploy
they flow softly down my cheek
as I smile, placid and meek
clouds reach down, wipe them away
but one is missed, looked over, left to stray
Or is it? No, nothing is forgotten in space
yet it falls away, slips off my face
It's free now, as it drops into the water so cool
and it knows that this ocean always takes rule
for this teardrop and I, so alike in a way
have finally found a home, a place to stay.

I NEED THINSPIRATION!!!!
   

Ahhhhhh...much better...thank you, Ana.